March 3, 2020.

It’s been over three years since I wrote this piece. Hence the gap in my blog. Boy did time fly. It was hard to share something so personal with my friends and family. But with time, things got easier, the hole slowly filled. May this journey helps any reader to find comfort that they are not alone in the loss of a loved one. Life is short, we need to live it the best way we can, as happy as we can. Our angels would only want that. It does take time to heal the hurt and loss of a loved one. And so begins this leg of my journey six months after marriage.

August 14, 2017 – A letter to my family and friends

To my dearest friends.  The ones with whom I grew up with.  It has been a rough few months for me.   Only now I am allowed to share this.

It started spring break of this year around Easter. I met up with Tam in DC during his spring break.  Here he started to feel unwell and started to vomit whenever he ate. I assumed it was a bacterial infection, like H. Pylori or GERD.   We went to Fogo De Chao steakhouse, of course when it comes to buffet Tam eats a lot.  But this time it was different.  He couldn’t hold anything down.  It was like that for the few days we were in DC, from Pho to steak, nothing stayed down.  I was worried then.  He wasn’t running a fever, no pain, just vomiting.  I wanted him to go see his primary care physician when he heads back to Boston.

When Tam got back to Boston, he went to see his doctor.  The doctor was concerned, so he referred Tam to a GI specialist for an endoscopy.  It was a Friday morning March 31st, 2017 I got a call from Tam when I was driving to work.  He asked if I could pull over and talk.  I had a pitting feeling that it wasn’t good news.  After a long pause, he uttered, “The gastroenterologist said I have stomach cancer.”  My heart sank.  Sadness overcame both of us and tears couldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks.  He told me not to tell anyone, and I kept it private due to his wishes.

The next morning I was conferenced in for a call with the Department of oncology, Gastrointestinal Cancer Center at Dana Farber.  The Oncologist and Surgeon gave us the result of Tam’s PET and CT scans.  Tam is diagnosed with Aggressive Gastric Adenocarcinoma.  The plan of action is to start Chemotherapy as soon as possible, a total of 6 rounds, 21 days each round and surgery to remove his whole stomach to give him the best chance to avoid cancer from metastasizing to nearby vital organs.  It finally hit Tam on how severe his situation is, the road to recovery is a long and challenging one and I need to be there to be his anchor.

The beginning months of chemo were difficult.  A lot of nausea and vomiting, opening a bottle top became hard.  His iron count was low and dehydrated from the strong medication.  Tevin’s hair started to fall out, he decided to shave his head to make it easier.  He wanted to shave his eyebrows too, but of course, I was against that.  Only when he finished the 2nd round of chemo did he begin feeling a little better.  By then I moved up to Massachusetts to be with Tam.  Originally I planned to move up late August prior to this terrible news.  I moved up at the beginning of June.  Getting my DEA licensing took a month.  During that month I spent time with Tam.  Camping, going on small weekend trips to Maine, New Hampshire and New York.  I did not work for a month and a half.

I am so sorry for hiding all of this, it was hard facing you guys, especially with our conversations and I couldn’t tell you guys what was going on. Tam’s wishes to keep this matter private.  We are both saddened by this.  Not even a year of marriage and this misfortune took place. Tam had to take medical leave from school when he started the first 3 rounds of chemo.  He had hoped to restart school this coming January after he finishes surgery and chemo.

After the completion of the first 3 rounds of chemo, Tam was ready for surgery.   On the 24th of July, Tam went in for surgery for a complete gastrectomy. We arrived at the hospital at 11:00 am.  The surgery starts at 1 pm. About three hours in, Dr. Wang came out.  His face looked grave.  It was too early for him to be out.  They mentioned the surgery can take anywhere from 5-6 hours.  I knew something was wrong.  He came over to speak with me and mother-in-law.  This was not what I wanted to happen.  I wanted Tam to get the surgery, then the remaining 3 rounds of chemo and start school in January as he dreamed he would.  But in reality, the news I did not hope for played out like a haze.

Dr. Wang said he could not continue with the surgery.  They did a scope prior to removing the stomach, there was an area they couldn’t move, when they lifted the lower half of the stomach up, there was a white plaque that has spread to the large transverse colon, superior mesenteric artery, a couple of other organs.  I kept asking him if they can continue with the surgery.  The surgeon said he cannot continue.  I asked if he can ever have surgery again later down the road, the surgeon said no.  Why?  Why did they not catch this on the scans?  The surgeon replied the CT scans are only 50% accurate.   That is a large margin of error.  He mentioned Tam has about 5 years to live.  I was in disbelief, uncertain about Tam’s future.

So many things were running through my head.  How Tam might feel as soon as he gets out of his surgery.  By 7 pm Tam was sent to the post-op room to recover.  He was still in and out of sleep.  I asked if he spoke with the surgeon, and he did.  Everything was a blur to Tam.  I stayed and waited until he was moved to his room for a few days.  I went home that night restless, I couldn’t sleep, my mind was awake but my eyes were closed.  Sad with tears just streaming down my eyes.

The next morning I woke up early, it was my first day of work at my new office in downtown Boston, I drove to the hospital quite early that morning.  To spend some time with Tam before heading out to work.  I hung around there for 30 minutes.  Tam looked restless, a little groggy.  He mentioned that they had to take his vitals every 2 hours, he couldn’t sleep at all.

I was wired, running on adrenaline, being it was my first day at this new office and the news of no cure kept me going that day. I like the new office.  It was up to date with the newest technology, like the one day crown, so much to learn at this new office.  The day went by fast, I was anxious to get back to the hospital to be with Tam.

I took a train back to the hospital. Tam looked a little more relieved. He asked Mother in law if he should tell me. I told him to tell me. He said Dr. Wang came by today when he was more alert. He said Dr. Wang had to be honest about Tam’s life expectancy. He said instead of 5 years to live, it would be 18-24 months to live. I was in shock more so than before. I couldn’t help but cry some more, I couldn’t contain myself. I was clogged. Tam told me he was relieved that is wasn’t five years but shorter, that way I am still young enough to remarry and start a family. He said he felt more burdensome if he stayed alive five more years. How can he say such a thing at this time?

18-24 months to live. Tam is only 35 years old. He wanted to finish school, have a family, buy a house and own future practice, take care of his parents, travel more, and love more. Calling my parents was the hardest. Tam told my dad and mom that he was sorry he couldn’t give them grandchildren, and if I can stay with him for the remaining time of his life. My parents wept and said, “Stop talking nonsense. She is your wife. You are going to be ok. Try Tumeric and honey, it will help with the healing.” They consoled us and said everything will be okay. The conversation with my parents made us cry some more. I slept over at the hospital that night. Unable to sleep again. I had to wake up early for work. It was hard, I kept myself busy all day, trying not to think about it.

Tam was discharged from the hospital. We came home together somber. The truth sunk in the next few days. Tam couldn’t help it but sobbed the first few days, how can life be so cruel. He said he wants to be around me long, he wants to do so much. I’m tearing up typing this, I wanted to recount every moment he is still breathing. It is hard to have this heavy cloud upon us and the people we care about. My brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and family members close by all were a concern, asking questions of why didn’t the surgeon spot it in the scans, to he needs a second opinion. Tam’s chemo doctor was understandable and referred him to another GI oncologist at Mass General Hospital. We are waiting for the contacts to be forwarded.

I’ve been taking advantage of my weekends off to travel around the New England area with Tam, hence the beautiful pictures on Instagram. Life is short, I’m going to live it up here in Boston, take Tam to places he’s never been, eat the food we’ve never eaten while he still can. So much to do. So little time. I am moving into the city soon from the outskirts of Massachusetts on September 1st, that way Tam can walk to Boston commons or Charles river every day if he wanted. Boston apartments/ condos are expensive, but it doesn’t matter, every breath counts.

This is what’s been on my plate lately, Tam, new job, new place, a place we can call our own, not parents, not a brother in law, but for us.  Nothing is more important to me but Tam right now.

My best friends I hope you understand. The reason I didn’t tell you guys about this it’s because of Tam’s wishes. But Tam finally told me recently I could let my close friends know once we truly know what the results were. Please keep this amongst our group out of respect for Tam. Don’t tell your family or friends. You guys mean the world to me. No one else. Unless your parents heard from the grapevines from my parents, otherwise just between us. I love you guys.